Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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