I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
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