i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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