it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
