Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
