I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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