She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
