The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
