does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
