I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
