do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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