if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
