i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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