I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Everyone says I win the strip club
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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