There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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