Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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