that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize