i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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