So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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