Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Who died my cat blue again?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
