I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
