I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
