I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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