Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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