My Higher Power is John Stamos
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
