your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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