My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
