it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
