so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
