I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
