Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize