You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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