Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Are these your boobs on my camera?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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