I wish I could teleport
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
