Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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