so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
