I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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