i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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