alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
