dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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