so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
