I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
