I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
