I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
