I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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