What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
