You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
