if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
