am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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