Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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