I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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