Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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