Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Randomize
