Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
