My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
