she takes plan B like it's going out of style
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
