I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Randomize
