Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
then he tried to convert me to islam
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
