HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
