Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize