he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
