So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
