Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
