I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
