i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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